Guidelines for Living on Azeroth!
by Mars-Eclipse
Summary: The Guidelines and rules for living on Azeroth, written by Yavimna Oakenshadow, and Co-written/edited by Satahra Nightstalker. Inspired by Tatyana Whitwicky's Guidelines for Living With Autobots.
1. Chapter 1

Inspired by the 'Guidelines to Living With Robots' by Tatyana Whitwicky, I have decided to make my own.

All credit goes to Tatyana, who is amazing in every way!

Thanks for letting me use the idea, and steal some of you're rules, Tatyana! :3

(Ya'll might want to check out my OCs on my profile page, otherwise you might get confuzzled.)

Forward ho!

* * *

The guidelines for living on Azeroth!

By Yavimna Oakenshadow, co written and edited by Satahra Nightstalker.

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* * *

Rule 1: Never suddenly say 'Rectal Exorcism' in the middle of a meeting.

(Jasper and I couldn't stop laughing.)

(Darion had to escort us out.)

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Rule 2: When I'm meeting someone new, never toss an arm around my shoulders and say to the person, 'don't worry, you aren't the only one who noticed that Yav's vertically impaired.'

(Jasper.)

(Satahra.)

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Rule 3: Never exclaim, "What a hot ass!" Whenever Jasper bends over.

(Darion is much more protective then I expected.)

(Ow.)

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Rule 4: Never yell out, "Shit! Shit! It's the Lich King! Get in the van!" Whenever the Lich King pops in via magic.

(I've never seen Corg laugh so hard.)

(The Lich King…. Not so much.)

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Rule 5: Don't try to speak in Thalassian or Orcish unless you're sure of what you're saying.

(I told Thrall that there was a cat in my pants.)

(Garrosh choked on his ale.)

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Rule 6: Never seen 'Garrosh's Happy Song' whenever he's around.

(Garrosh gets very violent.)

(I couldn't save Korst because I was laughing so hard.)

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Rule 7: Never ask Darion if he wants meatballs.

(I still don't know why, but he gets royally pissed whenever someone asks this.)

(Jasper ignored me when I asked if he knew why.)

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Rule 8: Never, EVER hit Jasper upside the head with something like a hammer and say, "What have I done, I've killed a wabbit."

(Darion thought it was hilarious.)

(Jasper beat me with his staff.)

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Rule 9: If you're in trouble, never run away. Somehow, someone will find you.

(I actually ran from Icecrown to Felwood, and Corg still found me.)

(Damn death knight.)

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Rule 10: Never come up to Koltira and ask if all Blood Elves are gay, or if he's just a special one.

(I really hate death knights.)

(Thassarian just laughed as I ran away.)

(Damn human.)

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Rule 11: Never spread a rumor that Varian is gay for Thrall, which is why neither are married or remarried.

(Somehow, they figured out it was me.)

(I was stunned when Valduun told me that my rumor made sense.)

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Rule 12: Never borrow a death knight's ghoul, have it gnaw on you're head, and then casually walk around.

(Everyone stared at Satahra.)

(She was giggling, and saying that it tickled.)

(Jasper still says that's she's insane.)

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Rule 13: Never walk up to a death knight or a forsaken, slap them, and accuse them of being a spy for the Lich King.

(Claere sent her felguard after me.)

(Thassarian tried to throw me off of the Skybreaker.)

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Rule 14: Never suggest to someone that they should sleep with the Lich King to get info for us.

(Never suggest this to Jasper.)

(Darion tried to kill Korst.)

(Took everyone in the room to stop him.)

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Rule 15: Never pet someone's hippogryph, then suddenly say, "I'm hungry. Anyone for chicken?"

(Thassarian fell over from laughing.)

(Valduun still won't let me near his hippogryph)

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Rule 16: Whenever someone says, "Tell me something I don't know…" never respond with the following:

* Without mucus, our stomachs would digest themselves." (Satahra.)

*"Licking doorknobs is illegal on other planets." (Jasper.)

*"You know the whole thing between Velen and Kel'jaeden? Worst break up ever." (Me.)

*"Garrosh is an ass only because he never gets some." (Korst.)

*"Humans are my main source of fiber and protein." (Claera.)

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Rule 17: Never take control of you're pet if it's an animal, and talk through it's mouth.

(Tirion nearly had a heart attack.)

(Satahra fell down the stairs.)

(My dearest Troublemaker was not a happy raptor afterwards.)

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Rule 18: Whenever you get in trouble, never say "Well, the Lich King would let me do it!"

(Tirion was so pissed.)

(But it is true.)

(Thassarian said so.)

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Rule 19: Whenever something bad happens, never say any of the following:

*"Quick! Find a virgin to sacrifice!" (Satahra.)

*"Where's the undead on?" (Me.)

*"Hurry! Evacuate the women and gays last!" (Korst.)

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Rule 20: Never say that it's 'Talk like the Lich King day."

(You're throat will hurt after a while.)

(Jasper is really good at it.)

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Should I continue this?

*Thinks*

If ya'll want, send in an idea for a rule or two! :D

I'd be honored! 3


	2. Chapter 2

Hello, I'm back! Sorry it took so long, but here's the next installment!

Thanks to Toph the Trickster, Malignant and Worldomination for the rule/review, and TheFlutterbyEffect, and SandNinja101 for the reviews!

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Rule 21: Never randomly take control of one of the guns on the Skybreaker and scream "FIRE! FIRE! FIRE!"

(I actually hit something.)

(So did Korst.)

(We have to have a guard with us at all times whenever we're on that ship now.)

* * *

Rule 22: Never take Bloodthistle and Firebloom at the same time.

(Satahra was literally a blur.)

(She was spitting fire from her mouth.)

(I held onto the back of her robes for over an hour.)

(She dragged me around Dalaran, then crashed in the middle of the street.)

* * *

Rule 23: Do not say that it's 'Pet a death knight day.'

(You will piss all the death knights off.)

(Satahra and I stalked Thassarian and Koltira all day.)

(Darion wouldn't let anyone but Jasper 'pet' him.)

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Rule 24: After eating a huge meal to the point of bloating, never rub you're stomach and say, "It's a boy/girl!"

(Darion fell off of his seat when Jasper did that.)

(Valduun and Claere were disturbed.)

(Satahra and I couldn't stop laughing.)

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Rule 25: Whenever Jasper does something nice for you, don't say, "I think I need to contact the Bronze Dragonflight. Something is seriously wrong with our timeline."

(Darion thought it was funny.)

(Jasper hit him in the head with his staff.)

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Rule 26: After the above happens, don't say, "Oh, never mind, the timeline is back to normal again."

(Satahra passed out she was laughing so hard.)

(I had a lump on my head for a month.)

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Rule 27: Never mention Jaina's former relationship with Arthas during a meeting with the Argent Crusade.

(I thought it wouldn't be a big deal.)

(Everyone fell silent and stared at her angrily.)

(She literally sank under the table, Thrall had to convince her to come out.)

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Rule 28: Never drop something like sunflower seeds on the floor, and start picking them up with your mouth like a chicken would.

(I almost wet myself when Satahra did this.)

(Jasper took her away to have her sanity evaluated.)

(She was gone for four whole days.)

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Rule 29: Never say any of the following.

*"You know, for as long as I can remember, I've had memories."(Jasper told me that I make his brain bleed.)

*"It went off prematurely!"(Satahra, when a hidden firecracker went off underneath Claera's chair.)

*"There's nothing like a 200 pound snatch, if you know what I mean."(I said this while looking at Jasper and nudging Darion.)(Jasper threw his glass of ale at me.)

*"Just once, I would like someone to call me 'Miss' without the 'You're making a scene."(I got Jaina to say this at dinner once.)(Thrall found this amusing.)

*"I like my ale cold… my entertainment loud… And my homosexuals flaming!"(Koltira glared at me.)(Thassarian laughed.)

*"Stop pestering Satan!"(I said this when Satahra was being bugged by a child.)(She chased me around Dalaran with a sword for two hours.)

*"I think this uniform needs something; something that says 'I'm here to destroy you', but with a sense of fun!"(Jasper said this when everyone was deciding on the tabard for the Ashen Verdict.)

*After Satahra and I kinda destroyed Tirion's bedroom:

-"Why are you acting like this?"

-Satahra: "We're not acting, we really are like this!"

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Rule 30: Just because Koltira is an elf, and Thassarian is unable to age from being a Death Knight, you don't have the right to say "Bleh! Old people love!" Whenever they act affectionate towards each other.

(I randomly blurted this out when Thassarian had kissed Koltira good morning at breakfast.)

(No further caption needed.)

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Rule 31: Do NOT walk up to Koltira when he and Thassarian are holding hands or kissing and say, "Does Kael'thas know about this?"

(Satahra thought it would be funny.)

(Koltira nearly killed her.)

(Jasper and I laughed.)

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Rule 32: Never take a potion or a spell that turns you into a male, dress up in drag, and dance on the dining room table.

(I dared Satahra to do this.)

(We did it together.)

(Jasper took us away to be evaluated.)

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Rule 33: Don't try to prank Tirion. Just don't.

(Tink made me a gun that turned anything it hit pink.)

(I accidentally hit the Ashbringer.)

(*coughs*)

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Rule 34: If it exists, goblins will create and distribute explicit literature of it.

(Goblins have very dirty minds)

("Ghouls Gone Wild 12: Noblegarden Knob Gobblers" was especially disturbing)

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Rule 35: One word: .

(Even though the sound of it is something quite atrocious)

(If you say it loud enough, you'll always sound precocious.)

(!)

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Rule 36: Whenever someone evil or cruel shows up, never start singing 'Cold Hearted Snake.'

(Sata and I had too much fun.)

('He's a cold hearted snake, look into his eyes… oh, uh oh, he's been telling lies.')

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Rule 37: Never run around with a piece of rope, and say, "I'm wrangling cattle!" Whenever someone asks what you're doing.

(I'm sure everyone thought I was insane.)

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Rule 38: Two words: Balloon hair.

(This is a tradition during Children's Week now.)

(Way too much fun.)

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Rule 39: Never play 'bull and matador' when near walls and breakable things.

(Claera was furious when she found her broken vase.)

(Jasper was not amused when I waved at him, blood pouring from my nose.)

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Rule 40: When looking through the mailbox, Never say any of the following:

"Hey! A subscription for magical natural male enhancement! To Varian Wrynn... WHAT?"(Satahra)(Varian was furious)

"... GO AWAY! I'm looking through my crystal ball of all seeing sight! ... *Giggles pervertedly*"(Me)(Jasper dragged me away anyway.)

"Let's see, newspaper, bills, bills, auction house, a letter from the Lich King to Tirion involving a- WHAT THE F**K?"(Me, of course.)(Everyone stared)


	3. Chapter 3

SIXTY RULES! Let's get to 100!

Thank you to **The Last Different ****Guy **(Excuse the mistake on your username, the document wouldn't let me write it properly) for rules 51 through 57; **Lyoko's Cardcaptor** for rules 58 and 59; and **Malignant** for rules 49 and 50.

If you want to see a rule changed into a short story, just tell me, I'd be happy to try! More rules are always good too.

Now, onto the story!

* * *

Guidelines for Living on Azeroth

By Yavimna Oakenshadow

* * *

Rule 41: PLEASE, in the name of Elune, do not do not give Jasper a rage potion.

(Thought seeing him throw himself onto other people was kinda funny.)

(Until Darion saw.)

(It took Sata and I weeks to fix their relationship. I kinda feel bad.)

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Rule 42: Never say "I swear to god, I will beat you with my uterus!' whenever someone annoys you.

(Corg wouldn't stop twitching.)

(Revenge of the women!)

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Rule 43: Please alert me at least a month before my enemy Isleande arrives.

(He drives me insane. I need the time to prepare to kill him.)

(And no, Sata, I don't love him!)

(Yes you do! You guys are all over each other! …Satahra)

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Rule 44: Isleande isn't funny, he's mean.

(He called me old because of my silver hair.)

(And then pointed out that my goddess was made of cheese.)

(And THEN, when I lunged at him, he ducked and said, "Careful Yavi, don't' break a hip!")

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Rule 45: I AM NOT OLD!

(Nuff said.)

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Rule 46: Never greet Jasper with: "Queen Jasper" or "Her Majesty Jasper."

(Satahra vanished and was found a while later, in the snow, unconscious.)

(Korst tried again a few days later. He was hung by the waistband of his pants off the parlor chandelier.)

(I almost died from laughing.)

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Rile 47: Never spread a rumor that Jasper is either A.) a hermaphrodite or B.) a girl turned guy.

(It doesn't help that he looks rather feminine.)

(He knew it was me.)

(They always know!)

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Rule 48: Do me a favor and stop making fun of my height.

(Garrosh called me short when we arrived at the tournament in Icecrown.)

(I cussed him out in every language I knew.)

(Turns out I was telling him that I like to dance in barbecue sauce when I was yelling in Orcish.)

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Rule 49: Don't ask what Koltira's experience in the Scarlet Stronghold basement was, when he was stuck into those tights and chained to a table.

(They were probably playing damsel in distress….. Koltira and Thassarian, that is.)

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Rule 50: If you see a Worgen, please do not hold a bag of jerky in its face and/or be a total douche bag. Those Worgen can and WILL maul you into little pieces.

(Don't believe me? Well, you can go and ask little Jimmy over there in the corner.)

(…..The skeleton-ghoul thingy IS Jimmy.)

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Rule 51: Never stand up during a Kirin Tor meeting, and proclaim that the Silver Covenant has a massive advantage over the Sunreavers.

(The Sunreavers mobbed)

(Rhonin and Vereesa said that if they see us again in a meeting, we will be polymorphed.)

(I plan to go to the next one.)

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Rule 52: Never stick Blood or High Elves in Darnassus.

(The Sentinels came waaaay to close to dismembering Koltira and Satahra.)

(They still won't even let us get on the boat to Teldrassil.)

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Rule 53: Never say "These are my death knights friends Koltira and Thassarian. They're gay for each other."

(Poor Valduun had no clue they'd get their torches.)

(But watching that ninety year old human "charge" was ridiculous.)

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Rule 54: Don't go swimming in the Stormwind canals.

(Satahra exited the water at the Stormwind Stockade.)

(We're still paying the bail.)

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Rule 55: Do not pretend you're dragons.

(Satahra tried to change into dragon form and fly.)

(We all laughed when she landed in a fruit stand.)

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Rule 56: No petting or wanting to make a pet out of the following creatures.

-Lynxes. (One chased Tink from Zeb'Nowa straight to the coast of the Ghostlands.)

- Moonkin (It may look very funny getting chased by an owlman, but they're ferocious.)

- Death Knights (Nuff said)

- Anything moving, but not living. (Jasper evaluated Satahra for two days after she tried to use a gargoyle for a flying mount.)

- Nelth… Deathwing. (No further comment needed.)

- Any strider. (Thassarian got pecked half to death on all parts of his body.)(We all laughed.)

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Rule 57: Do not attempt to start a cult in the Barrens.

(Satahra said she was visited by a god.)

(He said his name as Chuck Norris.)

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Rule 58: Never ask Jaina if she was ever pregnant. Especially if it involves Arthas.

(She chased me from Theramore all the way to Moonglade; thankfully the druids stopped her.)

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Rule 59: Never pull on a drake's wings.

(The drake almost threw me off, right over Icecrown!)

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Rule 60: Never joke about/accuse Tyrande and Malfurion of just fooling around like teenagers.

(Especially if you then compare them to someone like Koltira and Thassarian.)

(The sentinels all but slit my throat.)

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Rule 61: Never try to guilt trip Tyrande about causing Illidan to turn evil.

(We learned this was two times as bad, when we mentioned him sleeping with Kael'thas.)

(Because then we had two angry elves, Koltira AND Tryande.)


	4. Rule 11

**It had started out rather innocently. Satahra and I were at the Tournament grounds together, and I know you're gonna say that nothing is innocent when we're together, but this was. **

**We were watching the jousters, and making jokes about how the weapons looked like…. Well, we were making jokes, when we heard trumpets. **

**I glanced over, and saw that Varian Wrynn was heading up the pathway, with Jaina by his side, and a few warriors. With a glance at Satahra, we silent agreed to follow them when they passed by. **

**At first it was boring, just walking and chatting with Tirion; (who glared at us, but didn't say anything;) when Thrall and Garrosh showed up. The exchange between Varian and Thrall was short, and barely polite, but something caught me eye.**

**They glanced at each other, as they were headed back to their entourages, and the glance was filled with passion. Real, heavy passion. Like, 'I want to bend you over the counter, baby' passion.**

**Of course, Satahra didn't believe me. "Yav, I think we need to get you indoor, the chill is doing something to your mind."**

"**Oh Elune, Sata." Rolling my eyes, I sat back down on the wooden benches, crossing my arms and pouting at her. "May I please point something out? Varian never got remarried, after his wife died right?"**

**Satahra obviously hesitated, but nodded. "Yeah, I guess so."**

"**And Thrall has never been close to marrying, as he?"**

"**Of course he hasn't." She scoffed, and sat beside me. "Still, you aren't making a good point."**

"**Well, neither is married, or dating. They seem to pretend to hate each other, but has it ever come to blows? No. In between Varian and Garrosh, sure. But not him and Thrall. And, they have both been absent at random parties, haven't they? Only to arrive a few seconds after each other?"**

"**So they were talking." She shrugged again, but was obviously weakening. I smirked.**

"**Talking? What about the fact that Varian had his gloves on wrong that one time? And Thrall had a triumphant smirk on his face?"**

**Satahra seemed to think about this. Her eyes widened just slightly, and I knew I had caught her. "Oh Light, Yav. They're gay for each other."**

"**Yes!" I sat up straight, and pumped my fists in the air. **

"**And not just **_**gay,**_** gay." Satahra leaned forward, obviously caught up in the situation. "Gay like Jazz and Darion. Like, all over each other gay. Oh Elune, Yav. How have I never seen….?"**

"**The eye sees what it believes it should see, dear Sata."**

**And like that, a rumor was born. But unlike our other famous rumors; (Jasper being a hermaphrodite, Jaina having been pregnant by Arthas; Claera being a Lich King spy;) this one never stopped spreading. Within two days, everyone at the grounds was murmuring about it.**

**And a week? Even in Dalaran and Ironforge, you could find gossip about them. It began spreading to the point of them apparently having gotten pregnant, miscarrying, and trying again. People were actually claiming to have heard the two in a moment of passion.**

**Obviously, Satahra and I were feeling very accomplished. **

**The best part though, was when Valduun approached me about it.**

"**Hello, Yavimna."**

"**Val! Hi!" He squirmed in my hug, and seemed to visibly relax when I let go.**

"**I just came to tell you, that I heard your newest rumor."**

_**Maintain… Oblivious… Façade! **_**"What rumor?" I asked as cogently as possible, while hurrying across the streets of Darnassus. Only recently had I been allowed back in, while under close watch.**

"**The one about Thrall and Varian." He kept up with me easily, seeming to be oblivious to the glares of the sentinels. **

"**Oh, that. Whoever did it was a freaking genius, huh?" I chuckled. "Makes perfect sense."**

**A sigh from him showed that he knew I wouldn't admit to having started it. "Well, I just wanted to say that it makes perfect sense. Good job." And, before I could get anymore dumbfounded; "I am still going to tell Lord Wrynn and Thrall that you were the reason behind it, though."**

**And with that, he disappeared into the portal to the boat, leaving me starting after him, wide eyed.**

"…**..Elune, no! Valduun!"**


End file.
